Stop Telling the Dying to Forgive

There’s a script we hand to dying people—wrapped in spiritual lingo and Instagram-worthy mantras: “Forgiveness sets you free.” “Don’t take that anger with you.” “You have to let go before you go.”

Let me be clear: This is emotional manipulation dressed up as virtue. And it needs to stop.

Forgiveness Is Not a Moral Obligation

We treat forgiveness like a mandatory checkbox on the deathbed to-do list. But it’s not. It never was. Forgiveness is not a performance. It is not a gift to give others so they can feel better about how they treated you. And dying doesn’t mean you suddenly owe that to anyone.

Sometimes, what people really mean when they say “forgive” is: “Don’t make us uncomfortable.” “Don’t die angry because it makes us look bad.” “Don’t remind us that pain outlives apologies.”

That’s not forgiveness. That’s social control.

Some Things Should Make You Angry

You are allowed to die with fury. You are allowed to die not forgiving your abuser. You are allowed to die knowing that justice never came. You are allowed to say, “I never got closure. I never got the apology. And I’m still not giving you access to my peace.”

There’s this idea that forgiveness is always empowering. But for some people, forced forgiveness is just retraumatization with a spiritual stamp on it.

Real Peace Doesn’t Require Forgiveness

People confuse “peace” with “forgiveness,” but those aren’t the same thing.

Peace is internal. It’s the knowing that you stayed true to yourself. That you held the line. That you didn’t give more than you had.

Forgiveness is a choice—one of many tools. It’s not the only road to peace. It’s not even the best one for everyone. You can have a beautiful, conscious, whole-hearted death without handing out grace to people who don’t deserve it.

Let the Dying Be Honest

When we pressure the dying to forgive, what we’re really saying is: “Don’t make your story too messy.” “Don’t make us sit with your unresolved pain.” “Don’t make us question what kind of people we’ve been.”

But dying isn’t about protecting other people from discomfort. It’s about truth. It’s about sovereignty. It’s about being as unfiltered and whole as you’ve ever been.

So let me give you full permission right now: You do not have to forgive.

Not to be good. Not to be loved. Not to die well. Not to be free.

Your anger is sacred. Your boundaries are holy. Your no still matters, right up to your final breath.