Being Terminal Doesn’t Mean You Have to Be Nice

There’s this toxic little idea that floats around every hospice room and hospital bed: That once you’re terminal, you should be gracious. Gentle. Smiling. Soft.

Why? Who decided that dying means you have to be “nice”?

Let’s get something straight: Dying doesn’t erase your anger. It doesn’t invalidate your boundaries. And it sure as hell doesn’t obligate you to make anyone else feel comfortable.

Niceness is Not the Goal

“Be nice” is a leash, not a virtue. Especially for people who’ve been taught their whole lives to make themselves small, quiet, or easy to deal with.

You don’t have to be polite to the family member who ghosted you for a decade. You don’t have to tolerate passive-aggressive visitors. You don’t have to smile through spiritual lectures you didn’t ask for. You don’t have to answer questions you don’t want to answer.

Your job is not to be agreeable. Your job is to be real.

Terminal Doesn’t Require a Personality Makeover

You’re still you. You might be tired. You might be raw. You might be more honest than you’ve ever been. That doesn’t make you rude—it makes you free.

Maybe you don’t have the energy to sugarcoat anymore. Maybe you’re finally saying what you always wanted to say. Maybe you’re cranky, impatient, weepy, blunt, wild, whatever—and maybe that’s exactly what this moment requires.

The idea that death should come with a halo is both unrealistic and deeply disrespectful to the dying.

You get to be messy. You get to be human. You get to be true.

“Nice” Is a Weapon When It’s Forced

Let’s call this out: a lot of people want you to be nice while you’re dying because it makes them more comfortable. It makes them feel better about showing up late. About avoiding hard conversations. About their own guilt.

But you are not a therapist in a hospital gown. You are not a pastor in your final moments. You are not a self-help manual wrapped in flesh.

You are dying. That is enough.

Give Yourself Permission to Be You

If you’re kind by nature—great. If you’re sharp as a tack and full of spicy one-liners—also great. If you’re done with everyone’s bullshit—say that.

You don’t owe the world a sanitized version of yourself just because your clock is ticking.

So let me say it again, louder for the folks in the back:

Being terminal doesn’t mean you have to be nice. It means you have to be honest.  And that? That’s where the sacred lives.